sincere thoughts
I've always been one to err on the side of negativity. Blame my upbringing or my personality. Blame life's circumstances or the inability to deal with constant disappointment. Blame whatever. At the end of the day, it is what it is. With that being said, what is one to do when they live in a world that has no desire listen to constant whining or complaining!? The simple answer? Change. Change feels impossible to a pessimist. But it IS possible. Take it from me. It's not easy, but it is possible.
The main component I was missing during the darkest time of my life was HOPE. It took about 10 years for hope to fully drain out. Like a balloon slowly losing its air. I left college and began applying for jobs, my hope was challenged. Then I found my first full time position in my field and my boss treated me like a piece of scum. Perhaps worse. There really are no words to the extent of his abusive leadership over 2.5 years; left me quite broken. Then I moved home and felt like a failure. Then it was relationship after relationship that chewed up any sort of sense of self and spit it out on the pavement. Then I made a series of bad life choices which squeezed out the last of it. And by 2012 my world was literally nothing but one big fat huge disappointment. I had nothing left. I was an empty shriveled up balloon with no hope. I told my best friend (at the time) that I was depressed, this person stopped calling me. Literally. Stopped. I felt very alone. So here I am. Depressed. No hope. And no one gives a crap. It was the darkest place I've been in life... This is the point in which I was supposed to change and be positive so others would want to be around me. Ha. RIGHT. I felt unable to function, let alone put forth effort to change. (just a side note: if you laugh or scoff at this, I just pray to God He never has to lead you through it! People have NO IDEA how dark and terrible it is unless they walk through it themselves, just sayin'...) I used the aids of this world: medicine, counselors, exercise, cutting out sugar & caffeine. But they didn't help. I still struggled internally. I still had no true hope. I think in the midst of this desert I really lost sight of God too. Ugh. Talk about making dark darker. It was rough. It took a few years for this to change... It didn't change because I was making any sort of effort. UNTIL. God met me in Honduras in January 2015. It took seven days, but God did something miraculous in me. He resurrected my hope. He gave me the ability to hope again... Literally for the first time in years I felt like my life would not always be dark, dreary and depressing. I had a renewed sense of wellbeing. I knew that even though it wasn't great now, that He was at work in me and there would be brighter days ahead. Life is no where near my idea of perfection, but I am able to face each day knowing God is on my side, He is my greatest supporter and promoter. He gives me the ability to do anything that is put before me. To me, these are such great gifts. If you struggle with depression or just feel hopeless in life, please know that TRUE HOPE comes from God. We can connect with God through talking to Him; we call that prayer. No fancy words, just honesty. He meets us where we're at, and elevates us. He loves us and is waiting to hear from us every moment of every day. He is no respecter of persons. What He has done for me, He can do for you! He can resurrect your hope!
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August 2018
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