sincere thoughts
Let’s get real. No one wants to be alone. So, as a young 20-something I went online to find a date. Having some sort of idea of what I was looking for and knowing I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, I began the “get-to-know-you” phases with different guys. Honestly, I found shallow men with varied interests that did not match my own. I kinda found myself preaching to them more than flirting with them… Whoops.
After college, as I was starting my first job, I met a guy online and he came to meet me. I was a little nervous, so I had him meet me and some friends for lunch, then we all took a walk by Lake Michigan. He & I chatted a while, then he kissed me on the cheek, left and I never heard from him again. Didn’t expect that. I decided to stop online dating to try my hand at meeting people in person. My job had me in the public eye, and I met some guys I actually spent time with but I wasn’t able to find anyone who seemed to be compatible. So, in my late 20’s I thought I would give online dating another go. I met a cool farmer guy. However, after a couple months he decided that I wasn’t “it” for him and stopped contacting me. Then I got matched with a cute military guy who took a huge interest in me. After talking for months, and then exchanging Christmas gifts with him/his kids, we met and I found out he wasn’t divorced, he was married still. Nice… I decided to walk away from the online scene again. I began to work on myself…ya know, that whole “become the person you want to marry” kind of thing. I began exercising and eating well. I began investing time into my passions and had started a new job. Apparently this made me attractive. So I went online again. I met a guy that had nerdy-sort-of-potential, but one time we were making out and he stopped to drink a glass of water…after a huge drink, he came right back to kiss me again. Um. Awkward. He listened to weird 70’s rock music and was obsessed with antique signs. A bit much for me. Bye-bye thirsty-sign-guy. At that same time, I had attracted interest from a local guy so I began to hang out with him. At first I wasn’t attracted to him but after we spent time together, he charmed me. My heart got entangled and I fell for him. Hook, line and sinker. Then after 8 months, he decided I wasn’t “it” for him and he wasn’t ready for a relationship. That pretty much broke me. I cried. A lot. And my life seemed so quiet. I hated quiet. So, I went online and found another guy... He was cute, ex-military, and really liked me. This guy, after knowing me two weeks said, “Wow, I want to marry you. You’re beautiful, smart, talented, and sexy.” Because he came on so strong, and so fast, I became a bit guarded…and to be honest, I wasn’t totally over the previous guy yet... This new guy used all the right words, but used all the wrong actions. He was good at THINGS, if you know what I mean, but did other things (like DAILY communication with a lot of other women) that showed me he wasn’t mature enough for a real, lasting relationship – and I got confirmation from his trusted friend. I broke it off with him - a few times! And then finally it was over… I felt alone, so I found another dude who was 100% wrong for me. We started as friends, but it morphed to more...I knew a relationship was never gonna work out, but I was still sad when he ended our communication. He was most like a friend than anything. But after he said adios, I was alone again and my world was quiet. So I started on a string of men just trying to make me feel better about myself. (Note to self: never a good idea) There was the guy who was super helpful on home projects but he decided to date my sister! One guy met me for dinner and after making a comment about our table, he said, “Oh my god, are you OCD?” I’m like, “no.” Then he proceeded to go into this really weird place and tell me all about his ex-girlfriend and water spots on the glasses. He said the F word like, um, no joke, 55 times as he told me the story. I just sat there staring at him…we awkwardly said goodbye after the meal. There was foreign accent guy who told me all about his affair with a flight attendant and made YouTube videos of himself sitting without a shirt singing and playing his guitar… Tourette's guy... One-armed guy… You name a brand of weird, and I've probably met him! Then I just stopped. I could not go on. I was in a bad place. I was 34 and felt like crap about my life. So I took a break from all of it for two years. I worked on me. I worked on becoming mature, getting over past crap, and being healthy mind-body-spirit. Then…yes….I jumped in again. I met a guy who I thought had potential. He and I talked daily. He was funny and really nice. I went to meet him. We had a really nice weekend! He kissed me goodbye. We text normally for two days, then NOTHING. Crickets. I went on his FB page and he was there with another girl…one who lived significantly closer to him. Seriously. It really hurt my feelings. I thought he was different. I thought I was different. I just wanted someone to recognize that I’m worth the effort to know… I was feeling so sad. I waited a month, then joined yet another online site and met a man. My list of “wants” in a man had been whittled down to one thing at this point. I just wanted someone who was nice to me. After so many duds, this new guy was extremely thoughtful. He was kind. He was caring. He was chatty with me. He was a man of integrity. He was a hard-worker. He thought of what I would want over what he would want. He initiated texts almost every single morning. He called me. He facetimed me. He showed me he was into me. He paid for meals. He opened my door. He talked about moving closer to me. I went to meet him. He came to visit me. We met each other’s families. Things were amazing until he had an emergency surgery. It threw him into crazy fear mode. Two weeks later, he told me, I cannot move to be with you. I choose my own life here, and that means NO YOU. Ya. After 6 months of amazingness, he just ended it. I was so sad. I didn’t sleep. I could barely eat. I had thought “this is the guy I want to be with…this is the guy I want to share my life with…” Funny thing about that though… We can be so sure and the other guy can choose the opposite. Well friends, after 15 years, 50 first dates (nearly), and a few real relationships, I can honestly say, I’m done. I tried. I gave it my all. But this cannot go on. I think my efforts have been valiant, my progress has been noted, my maturity has blossomed, and my experience has proven…um, comical? I do know I can live a happy, healthy, vibrant life without a relationship. I just thought I wouldn’t have to. But after my track record, I accept it. I accept my life. Its fullness. Its emptiness. Its joys and its sorrows. I accept what I give and I accept what I get. And I choose to be thankful. This (sometimes) painful road has been one of lessons and growth. I am even thankful for that. If ever that time comes to be with someone new, I KNOW I will not have met him online. As a natural born "spender" I'm choosing to be a "saver," one dating site at a time! ;)
1 Comment
Ah. Maturity. Super fun becoming a mature person. And if you're a Christ follower, it's even more fun dying a little bit more - day by day - to your flesh. At first my flesh really did hate it. It sucked giving up my "God-given-natural-knee-jerk-reaction" feelings. I learned those didn't do much for me. They broke up a lot of relationships and did a number on my physical and mental health. Sometimes life didn't feel fair especially if I was right but was wronged somehow. I felt I should be able to spew about it to anyone I wanted and even seek revenge, dang it! Ha! Oh yes, I did feel that way. But like I said, it didn't bode well for me physically or mentally. So, one opportunity (of trials) at a time, and over a long span of time, I realized...dying to myself really is better.
There isn't a lot I value in life anymore. I'm not very sentimental. I'm not super emotionally intertwined with many. Work is work. Things are things. But I DO value my peace. I realized over time that doing things God's way allowed me to keep that beautiful measure of peace I learned to appreciate. So, I have to not speak sometimes when I want to spew. I have to serve when I want to run. I have to be thankful instead of complain. There are even times of extreme loneliness instead of being surrounded by the wrong people. Ultimately, through these things, I mature and keep my peace. Maybe it's the many years of listening to Joyce Meyer, but to me, it's 100% worth it. Even though my journey has been hard, I'm thankful for it. His Life in me brings maturity and peace. I no longer live, but Christ lives within me. |
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