sincere thoughts
So tonight I went to buy toilet paper. It's an important thing in a house of two females. Walgreens had a nice crowd of people; someone in every aisle. I grabbed two large toilet paper packages because that's just the way I roll...
As I made my way back to the front to check out, I passed a woman who was wearing a hat, and obviously suffering with cancer. When I reached the cashier, I put my things on the counter. The lady in the hat walked up behind me. As the cashier scanned my items she said I think there is a coupon for this (pointing to the toilet paper). This led her to searching through a coupon booklet, then ultimately walking down to the toilet paper isle to check for herself. It was then that I turned around and apologized to the lady in the hat (who was, of course, just holding one item to pay for). I know how frustrating it is when you want to check out quickly and the person in front of you is taking their own sweet time messing with coupons. She smiled and said, “That’s okay.” Then she said, “I know you. You are Kate.” I was slightly surprised since I am a local performer and every once and a while someone recognizes me and tells me they saw me singing at some event. But then she said, “I'm Sheri; I used to work with you.” As soon as she said it, a foggy memory of a lady who worked in HR with me a couple years ago popped in my mind. She was only there a few months, then left because she was diagnosed with cancer. Over the years I remember seeing her name on the American Cancer Society's volunteer list for the Relay for Life, but tonight she looked different. Once a healthy face and long hair was now replaced with a greyish face and no hair. Her voice was huskier sounding than I had remembered but her manner the same: Kind. She quietly said, “It came back. It was gone, and then it came back. I am doing chemo now. I just finished my fourth round. I have 2-6 more to go, depending on the success of it.” I hugged her, and listened as my compassion welled up inside of me. She didn't feel sorry for herself. She simply talked about her health and left it at that. I listened to her even while the cashier came back, and she began to scan Sheri's things. I looked into her brave eyes and told her to take care, and I walked through the doors. As I drove home in the silence of the car, my mind was flooded with many thoughts. Here I was just out buying toilet paper and God decided to speak to me. It's been months. My heart has grown so hard. My expectations of life have dwindled to nothing. And depression has strangled me for over a year now. But it truly is amazing that in one moment He can speak and say so many things at once, that it all makes sense. Speaking truth about His care, His presence, and His goodness; He offered peace and hope in the midst of suffering. He showed me how a suffering servant can fight through the darkest of times, and prevail with hope for each new day. God showed up and I became aware of the truth that has so eluded me...and it all started with toilet paper. ~ Written May 1, 2014 ~ *Posted as a Memorial for Sheri, R.I.P. 6/23/15*
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Foster parenting is not for wimps. Especially being a single-full-time-working-going-to-school-type foster parent. When I signed up I said I'll take one teenage girl at a time. But what they gave me was a little girl who needed a place, pronto. I was terrified in a way. This small being required much more hands on than what I expected to give, but I faced this challenge with all that I am. I just gave my best. And beyond my own abilities, I felt God's love pour through me in moments that required more than I could give.
In being a foster parent, you deal with natural kid stuff like their physical needs, but there is another dynamic going on that the foster parent has to address...what you ask? A constant tone of grief and loss. These little hearts ache for familiarity and family. Everything good you’re able to encounter with them is veiled with a thin layer of sadness. As someone who deals with deep emotions, this veil is something I understand well. As no parent can dance and entertain constantly, every evening as the house got quiet, and we settled in towards bedtime, the tears started... I found myself having to hold and reassure her. You see, to let someone into my home means letting them into my world. I am what you see. No pretense. So when this little one came in, I welcomed her into my home and heart. For a season I knew she would be in my care, and I would be the one to meet her where she was at...me and Jesus. So there was no backing down, no walking away. This child needed security and I stepped up to give it. After only a short time something very unexpected happened. The child was removed due to unforeseen circumstances. In my heart I was happy for her but I also felt great sadness. My heart broke a bit that day. Like a flash of lightening she was here, then gone. Now my house is returned to its plain color pallet, no splash of hot pink little girl stuff to set off my dining room. There is no sound of the Barbie Superhero movie playing in the background. There are no toys around the bathtub. There is no one to read to at night, or wake up in the morning. There is no one to care for or think about here. For a brief time I was able to know what it is like to care for a child; to exercise my God-given abilities as a mom. I was able to see another's needs before my own. I didn't love it at first, but I came to feel like this was what God intended all along. I know now that caring for another above myself is God-kind-of-love. I know, I know, yes, I actually signed up for this life. I know I said I could handle it. I know this is just a part of fostering children. But it sucks. I'm not gonna sugar coat it. It really sucks. I find myself dealing with feelings of grief and loss. This title, foster parent, is much more than just a parent. It is a constant dealing with strong loss emotions; first with the child, then with oneself. What sort of drugs was I on when I thought THIS would be a good idea? Oh ya, I remember. It was that deep down feeling like I could make a difference in a kid's life by offering them a safe landing in a turbulent storm. It was God calling me, by name, saying “Kate, take care of my children; show them MY LOVE”. I have a cross hanging on my wall that I look to when I don't like what is happening in my life. This morning I looked at it and told God, “I don't like this. It hurts.” He spoke loving words to me. He reminded me that He is with me. He loves me. He is my comfort, and my strength. And my mom’s words echoed in my head: “You are stronger than you think you are.” The ache of loss doesn’t disappear instantly; it takes time for us all to process through it. I figure between knowing she is safe, and believing in the support of my Heavenly Daddy and my incredible mom, I can make it through this; even this thing called foster parenting… I've always been one to err on the side of negativity. Blame my upbringing or my personality. Blame life's circumstances or the inability to deal with constant disappointment. Blame whatever. At the end of the day, it is what it is. With that being said, what is one to do when they live in a world that has no desire listen to constant whining or complaining!? The simple answer? Change. Change feels impossible to a pessimist. But it IS possible. Take it from me. It's not easy, but it is possible.
The main component I was missing during the darkest time of my life was HOPE. It took about 10 years for hope to fully drain out. Like a balloon slowly losing its air. I left college and began applying for jobs, my hope was challenged. Then I found my first full time position in my field and my boss treated me like a piece of scum. Perhaps worse. There really are no words to the extent of his abusive leadership over 2.5 years; left me quite broken. Then I moved home and felt like a failure. Then it was relationship after relationship that chewed up any sort of sense of self and spit it out on the pavement. Then I made a series of bad life choices which squeezed out the last of it. And by 2012 my world was literally nothing but one big fat huge disappointment. I had nothing left. I was an empty shriveled up balloon with no hope. I told my best friend (at the time) that I was depressed, this person stopped calling me. Literally. Stopped. I felt very alone. So here I am. Depressed. No hope. And no one gives a crap. It was the darkest place I've been in life... This is the point in which I was supposed to change and be positive so others would want to be around me. Ha. RIGHT. I felt unable to function, let alone put forth effort to change. (just a side note: if you laugh or scoff at this, I just pray to God He never has to lead you through it! People have NO IDEA how dark and terrible it is unless they walk through it themselves, just sayin'...) I used the aids of this world: medicine, counselors, exercise, cutting out sugar & caffeine. But they didn't help. I still struggled internally. I still had no true hope. I think in the midst of this desert I really lost sight of God too. Ugh. Talk about making dark darker. It was rough. It took a few years for this to change... It didn't change because I was making any sort of effort. UNTIL. God met me in Honduras in January 2015. It took seven days, but God did something miraculous in me. He resurrected my hope. He gave me the ability to hope again... Literally for the first time in years I felt like my life would not always be dark, dreary and depressing. I had a renewed sense of wellbeing. I knew that even though it wasn't great now, that He was at work in me and there would be brighter days ahead. Life is no where near my idea of perfection, but I am able to face each day knowing God is on my side, He is my greatest supporter and promoter. He gives me the ability to do anything that is put before me. To me, these are such great gifts. If you struggle with depression or just feel hopeless in life, please know that TRUE HOPE comes from God. We can connect with God through talking to Him; we call that prayer. No fancy words, just honesty. He meets us where we're at, and elevates us. He loves us and is waiting to hear from us every moment of every day. He is no respecter of persons. What He has done for me, He can do for you! He can resurrect your hope! Like most Americans I want a quick fix when I have an issue. I want the drive-thru, microwaveable, green light version of fixing problems. Is it too dark? Make it lighter. Is it too long? Cut it shorter. Makes sense to this brain.
I recently lived through a difficult time in my life. I know I’m not alone here. We all go through difficulties. Thankfully, I've learned that if I can manage life’s difficulties well, it will create a happier, more peace-filled life. Do I want to be happy and live with peace? YES. Then I need to practice effectively dealing with all that life brings…and for me this starts with a reboot. At work, if we encounter a computer glitch, we are encouraged to first reboot the machine before calling the IT help line. Through a simple reboot, many issues can be resolved. It hit me today, what if we could reboot ourselves before life’s difficulties tear us down or ruin our days/weeks/months, or even years? What is a reboot? By definition reboot is a verb meaning to restart or revive. For the sake of this blog, to reboot is to go to God so He can hit the restart button in our attitudes. Not sure about you, but when life comes to take a bite out of me, my attitude can plunge pretty quickly. Going to God for a reboot gives me new perspective. Reboots change our attitudes. When we go to God for our reboot, we can be honest with Him. Take a minute to tell Him exactly how you feel about whatever is stressing you out! Get it off your chest. It’s okay. God likes it when we go to Him without pretense. Reboots allow us to be totally honest with God. We don’t have to hide anything from Him; we can tell God how we feel - even if we feel selfish, nasty, angry, lustful or bitter. God is never surprised with our honesty. During this reboot, reading the Bible and seeking to hear from the Holy Spirit is vital. Reboots give us a firm foundation. I know God uses His Word and the Holy Spirit to bring truth to our conscious brains. The Holy Spirit is called the Comforter. We need that comfort from the Holy Spirit because our raw emotions can resist the truth of God’s Word. These two things work together to calm our intense emotions and give us a firm foundation of truth to stand on during the difficulty. Reboot as often as necessary. Daily reboots are necessary for me to live without relentless stress and anxiety. I heard once: Choose the path that offers the greatest return. I believe the greatest return in my life is what I get from my relationship with God; reboots nurture that relationship. Want a happier, more peace-filled life? REBOOT. I asked Jesus Christ to come live in my heart when I was twelve years old. I'm thirty-six now. It hasn't always been smooth sailing. In fact, I would say that most of my life I've been fighting back and forth. First it was with HOW I'm supposed to "act" as God's kid. Then it was the sinning-repenting-sinning-repenting yo-yo. Then when I finally felt the true love and acceptance of God, it was learning to balance my free will with His forgiveness. Then I had to learn that free will + being filled and led by the Spirit meant freedom, not an opportunity to sin. Then it was walking in freedom. Then it all went stale. Whew. It's been a long journey. One that I have begged to change through the tough times, but one I'm thankful to have emerged from... No, I'm not saying I have arrived. (God forbid...I feel like I would have to hide from the lightning bolts if I said that, haha) No, it's more of having a revelation...and it came to me through an awareness of HIS LOVE.
Tonight it hit me. I am GOD'S KID. Me. Plain ole' me. God's precious child. The Maker of Heaven and Earth. Ya, so He's MY DAD. You know Him. He speaks and things happen! And not only am I God's pride and joy, but as His kid - through Jesus' sacrifice, I have so much more! I have power and authority to overcome all evil here on earth. I have eternal inheritance. I have the most powerful Being in MY corner. God, who gives me strength to do ALL THINGS through Christ. I have forgiveness. I have mercy. I have LOVE. I have a best friend. I have a confidant. I have all the provision I will ever need and more. I have abilities to do more than what only I can accomplish. And through HIM, I am an overcomer. The chains of depression, anger, bitterness and greed do not hold me down. Through the name of Jesus I am FREE from all such things. Being God's kid has its benefits... Be encouraged. We all can be God's precious ones. Everyone is welcome. If you are still breathing...there is hope. The bible (Romans 10:13) tells us that whosoever calls on the name of the Lord (JESUS), will be saved. Want to have hope, to KNOW that you are loved, live confidently that God is in your corner, and be free from sin and death? Call on Jesus. Jesus, I admit I've lived my life the way I wanted to live it with no regard to you. You call that sin. I've lived as a sinner. Forgive me. I believe you came to this earth. You lived a sinless life; you were killed in my place. You laid down your life for me. You took the punishment for my sin/shame. I confess that you are God's one and only son; the Lord. I ask for healing for my mind, and my body. Fill me with the Holy Spirit, and renew my mind with Your Word, the Bible. Speak truth to me, teach me, train me, mentor me. Teach me who I am in You... My life is Yours. I give it to You. In Jesus name. Amen. Tiny human in the night
Gazing at the sky Feeling insignificant Lost among my kind Still You see my longing face Staring back at You Your heart bursts forth with songs of grace Towards me, Your child true Cover me with Jesus' blood Fill me with your Ghost Hear me God, I need you now Of it all, I need You most I do not come to ask for things I come to seek your face This world has left me tired, drained From things I can't erase I stand in wonder as I look High up, Among the stars Still Your Kingdom's will remains On earth, replacing ours The stars, they echo as to say Come forth, and make it known The glory of the Father's Ways On earth, shine from His Throne So let Your glory fill the earth I need You now, this day Darkness flees upon Your Word Far from Perfection's Say Joyfully my heart sings out Praise amidst the night Lifted now, my Spirit soars Hope fills my empty plight Stinkin' Thinking. Ever hear that little phrase? It refers to thinking negative thoughts. Oh, those pesky negative thoughts. No one is immune. Some people are rather good at brushing them off, letting them simply glide off like water over duck feathers. But the rest of us have sticky tape for brains and those negative thoughts stay. In most cases, overstay their welcome.
The matter is usually worsened if the sticky tape person lives through a lot of painful things. Like abandonment of parents, sexual abuse as a child, teasing in school, loss, and rejection from people. Lucky for me, I've experienced them all. I heard somewhere that God makes some of us extra sensitive to the world around us; it has to do with our brain makeup. If those kids grow up nurtured and surrounded with love and encouragement, they will usually make really good leaders because they are very aware of their surroundings, and have a layer of deep compassion to want to do something about it to make it better. Those same kids, if put into a broken home with issues, usually end up pretty depressed and can become very angry and broken people. Ah, yes, I picked the short stick. But as life would have it, I can't change my past. I can't change that my dad decided to cheat over and over, and finally leave us to raise other children. I can't change that my mom had to go to work full time (with three jobs) to pay for us four kids. I can't change that I was molested. I can't change that I was a chubby kid who was teased K-12. I can't change the rejection I have felt from people over the years. But what I CAN change is my perspective. If I CHOOSE to believe something, for me that something becomes very REAL. If I choose to be a victim and live out my days angry, and blaming others, that is who I will be and that will be the life I will lead. But I CAN choose something else. The best piece of advice I've ever received from my stepdad was, "Kate, you have a choice." It was like someone gave me the key to the prison I was in, and said, "If you want to, come out!" I HAVE A CHOICE. I can choose. Which means I can not only choose what I'm eating for dinner, I can choose which shoes to wear, I can choose to believe I'm a victim and no good will come from my life because I didn't have a good start, OR I can choose to rise above it and live in the freedom Christ died for me to have! It is literally, MY CHOICE. I heard a story once about a donkey stuck in a hole. Some people came by and saw the donkey. It was a deep hole and there was no getting him out. So they decided instead of listening to him make noise of torment, they would fill the hole in and bury the donkey alive to end his suffering. With each bucket full of dirt that fell onto the donkey's back, he shook it off and stepped on top of it. Eventually that donkey had stepped on enough dirt to be level with the ground, and that donkey walked out of that hole. It is a good lesson. All of us have dirt thrown on top of us in life. We all have a choice. Will I shake off the dirt, and keep standing or will I just lay down and die? Let me encourage you: keep standing. I understand that for us sticky tape people it is much more of a struggle to rid our brains of the victim mentality, but the things we believe as a victim are lies. Hear me. Negative thoughts of a victim are LIES. So even though change can be difficult, don't you want to be free of the lies? I did... GOD, who is a LOVING Daddy, wants to FREE us from the prison of self-defeating lies, and negative thoughts. Why? Because He wants to fill us with His Truth. In order for Him to fill us with truth, our heart must have space to receive His Truth. If it is full of lies, there is no room for truth. Picture a shoe rack that fits 20 pairs of shoes. If it is full and you buy a new pair, one of the old pair need to go. The same with truth and lies. Out with the lie, in with the truth. Out with the lie, in with the truth. It can happen over and over until we are only filled with His Truth. The truths I have learned have set my mind free. It took years. It took falling back into that hole a few times. It took His persistent love and pursuit towards me, and His Spirit to open my eyes. But I have learned. I now know God loves me. God is good. God desires to fill me with His Presence. I can trust God in the midst of my suffering. God wants to use my suffering, and the lessons I've learned, to help others. I learned that what people meant for evil against me, God has used it for my good. I am now filled with truth. I can now believe outside of my victim mentality, my stinkin' thinkin. Because God has filled me with His Truth, I can truly LIVE. Forgotten. Ever felt that way? What about lonely? Ever feel lonely? Lonely. Where you feel like no one on this planet would give two craps if you weren't around? I have lived through seasons of loneliness and simply feeling forgotten. It is rough...
We can feel especially lonely when we are struggling. When we go through hard stuff very few people will walk with us. It seems like everyone wants to be around those who are succeeding and sharing in the victory and happiness, but very (let me emphasize) VERY few people want to walk with us through depression, grief, or loss. Don't believe me? Want proof? How many people LIKE a Facebook status when someone pops out a new baby or gets married - TONS! How many LIKE the status if you post on how sad you are, or that you feel lonely. Mmhh, mmhh, point made. Not that Facebook is the right place to spew our stuff, but I do understand why we do it. When we post stuff like that, we are trying to put it out there that we're needing someone to encourage us, connect with us, or sympathize with us - I really do get it. Psalm 34 says God is close to the brokenhearted. John 3:16 says God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son. Deuteronomy 31:6 says God never leaves us nor forsakes us. For all you iPhone people out there - not everyone has 25 notifications when they check their phone at break time at work. Most times there are no notifications on my phone. Makes me feel forgotten some days. So I did something to remind me about how much God thinks about me. When I was in Honduras I took a picture of the sand, really close up. I made that picture my home screen picture on my iPhone. So when I hit the home button, I see the picture of the sand. When I have no notifications, I only see SAND. Why? Because the Bible tells us in Psalm 139 that God is familiar with all of our ways, and that He thinks about us. Verse 18 says that God's thoughts are vast, and if we were to count them, that they'd outnumber the grains of sand. MORE than the sand grains. WHAT!? He thinks of me A LOT. So to encourage myself I put that picture there to remind me. Yes, I feel alone a lot, but I remind myself that I have a Heavenly Father who thinks of me all the time, and loves me fiercely. That dumb sand picture reminds me I AM LOVED and THOUGHT OF... So the next time you become uniquely aware of loneliness or feeling forgotten, remind yourself: I am not alone. God is here with me. He thinks about me all the time. He loves me. He has a good plan for me. And he works all things together for good for those who loves Him and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28) Friend, if that is you, if you feel forgotten or alone, listen to me: you're not alone. You may not matter to the masses, but the most important thing you need to know is the truth: YOU MATTER TO GOD. Sometimes it is easy to believe that life will never change; that life will inevitably stay the same. Especially when you're unhappy. Feel unhappy stinks. Like yesterdays socks. Stinks. As much as I'd like to void it from all humanity, it IS part of life. Looking on the bright side, being unhappy makes us appreciate happy moments so much more. Sounds cliche, but I have lived it. It's true.
The last time I was over the moon happy was about a month ago. It wasn't because I won the lottery or anything. It was because God showed me His intentions towards me. He revealed His love for me. It had been years since I had really felt His strong presence...so loving, so accepting. Those years without sensing God had been the darkest years yet. When I say dark, I mean dark. Without the presence of light and goodness, what else do we have? What is the alternative? Nothing I ever want to experience again. I honestly saw no way out. It stunk. I was very unhappy. Then after a freaky turn of events, I ended up in a country I had no plans on being in...and it was there that God showed up. And showed up big. It took seven full days to full break through the sadness, but God did it. A full week to crack through the hardened shell of a person I had become. I figured it would be where I would live the rest of my life, but God had other plans. (as He often does) Here I was. Broken before God. But felt loved and perfectly held by Him. This was definitely the place I wanted to be. I was so much happier. I had this sense that everything was going to be okay. Life changed for me in that week. My perspective changed. Life went from upside down to right side up. So hang in there. If you're going through "it" right now, keep holding on. God hasn't forgotten about you. He still loves you. He is working. And soon you'll be able to see what He had been planning all along. |
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